2020

I love that week in between Christmas and New Years. It feels like a naturally reflective time. I pause and think about the previous year – the things that happened, what brought me joy, what brought me sadness, but most importantly, the lessons I learned.

At the end of the year, I have one overarching question…am I a better person than I was when I started?

I feel like I have heard a lot of “hating” about resolutions this year. How easily they are broken and basically what a joke they are.

I have to say that I disagree.

That is definitely not to say that I have kept all of my resolutions – FAR from it actually. But I think there is a lot of power about reflecting on your life and trying to improve. We won’t always succeed, or maybe we do-ish, or maybe we completely ROCK it. But, in my opinion, the simple act of trying is something to be applauded.

As I reflected on 2019, it brought up a lot of pain.

When we started 2019, Mark and I were feeling on top of things for the first time in a very long time. We loved where we lived and felt like we were finally laying down roots. We felt like we were financially not drowning for the first time basically ever. Student loans are no joke and we finally felt like we were in a place to make some big dents. AND we were expecting a healthy baby girl.

We finally saw a future – a long term one.

And then eight short days into January, Mark lost his job. It was very unexpected and things were said to him that were downright cruel and undeserved. I don’t think I will ever forget that day and the pain I felt for him.

We were devastated and immediately knew we would have to leave…leave our dream that we felt like we were finally beginning to live.

BUT I did something really important through this trial…I kept faith.

I trusted that there was a plan for us, even though I didn’t understand it. That right there is reason enough for me to look back on 2019 and feel okay about where I am.

Did I keep all of my goals that I made this time last year? Not even close. In some ways, it feels like we have gone backwards even.

But me, the person inside, I feel like is better for what I have gone through. I still don’t understand the whys, but I trust that He does. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who just wants to see me try. To keep going.

So as I move into 2020, I am feeling kind of resilient. I feel like I was tested this year. The year that shall not be named (cough cough…2015), will always be a part of me. That year was dark and one that I love to not think about. But I feel like I learned a lot that year and 2019 put it to the test.

And I am grateful to feel like a part of me was truly refined in the process. There is a whole lot more that needs to happen for me to get anywhere close to where I want to be (and if you saw my long list of goals for this year you would see that!) but I will get there. It may not be in this life, but I believe we all can get there eventually if we keep trying.

So if there is anyone out there reading this that is feeling overwhelmed with all the things they want to change, or discouraged about goals already not going to plan, know you are not alone. I am trying right there with you.

And if today, or this week, or this month, haven’t gone to plan, tomorrow’s always a new day.

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